Things with baby Beau are moving along.
Did I tell you his name yet?!
We're naming our little boy Beau.
I've never been "out" with a name so soon but we've known this one for a long time. Even before he was here. One of Josh's middle names (he has two) is Beau, and his family calls him that from time to time.
It's felt right since the beginning and it's fun to call him by name with the girls.
We found a midwife and are moving forward with a home birth.
Some days I feel all, "I am woman, hear me roar" about it and others I feel like maybe I can't do it. Maybe, I'm not strong enough or brave enough or in-tune with my body enough.
It's funny how the notion to fear birth is so deeply ingrained in us and our culture. Well, maybe funny isn't the right word. It's interesting, really. How far removed from a natural and normal process it has become here in the States. Just the act of going to a hospital makes it feel like something to fear.
I have to keep reminding myself when those doubts come up that it is possible to have our baby in our home, surrounded by familiar smells, familiar faces, familiar sounds. That it's not abnormal to try this. It's actually one of the most peaceful things we can do for our son. Bring him to this Earth in the comfort of our own home, on our own terms and in our own way.
I try to remind myself of all the women who won't get this opportunity. Those who can't conceive or labor in their own home because of complications. It must be so painful to have that opportunity and experience taken away, so it's best I don't take mine for granted.
My fear has always been enduring the contractions. In my last two births, they came on early, painful and lasted for more than 24 hours, closer to 48 with Hadley. This one could be different, but I'm preparing for that again.
Some of my plans involve new physical things - new positions, a birthing tub, using our shower, a birth ball. I'll eat and drink when I want which is not the case at the hospital. I'll move around and get outside when I can instead of being strapped to monitors, forced to labor on my back. I know these things will help but I also know, for me, it will be a mental game in the end.
I'm working to reform my ideas of labor pain, how I perceive it and what I name it. Like instead of "contracting" which makes me think of tightening, I'll think of "waves" and opening.
I'll work to recognize that the pain or power of birth is not injuring my body but helping bring my baby to me.
But mostly I think it's working towards an acceptance instead of avoidance of the strenous and laborous process that is birth. Why should it be easy? We're given the power to create someone from nothing and then given the responsibility of delivering it to this world so there should probably be some soul-searching, Earth-shattering hard work involved in that, shouldn't there?
Anywho, I've included some quotes below that give me confidence, if you're interested for your own journey.
If you're looking for other resources in learning about birth from different perspectives, I've really enjoyed the documentary, "The Business of Being Born" on Netflix, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and "The Birth Hour" Podcast.
3 and half months and counting little buddy. I can't wait to gaze upon that face of yours! I'm sure mine will be very red and sweaty looking back. And I apologize in advance for the amount of f%#! words you'll be hearing at such a young age. Smirk.
It is said that women in labor leave their bodies, travel to the stars, collect the souls of their babies and return to the world together.
It's not pain, it's power. Accept it and trust it.
Think of all the women around the world birthing babies just like you, in this very moment. Think of all the women who came before you and all the women who will come after you.
Surrender to the waves.
Most women need encouragment and companionship during labor. Not drugs.
This is the most physically spiritual event you will ever have the opportunity to experience on this Earth. Don't run from it. Embrace it. Cherish it.
It is not a time to avoid pain, because motherhood is painful at times. It is not a time to seek comfort, because motherhood is not comfortable. It is not a time to shrink back, because motherhood requires that a woman reach deep within her soul and show what she truly stands for. It is in birth that a woman must show her trust in herself.
Birth is a completely personal choice and process. I do not pass judgement on others for choosing different paths than my own. This space is simply for processing my fears, feelings and thoughts on my individual experiences and unique journey.